Plan B

“Dus jij wilt actrice worden?” De jongen strijkt met zijn hand door zijn krullen en snuift. “Wat is je plan B?” Ik kijk hem glazig aan. “Mijn plan B?” stamel ik. Ik dacht dat ik, net afgestudeerd aan ’s lands meest prestigieuze toneelacademie, nu toch wel serieus genomen zou worden. “Ja, je plan B.” Zijn stem klinkt schel wanneer hij verder praat. “Zoek je dan een vent met pieken?” Ik schiet in de lach. Oh shit, hij meent het. “Ik heb geen plan B.” Ons gesprek valt stil. Hij nipt verveeld aan zijn ginger ale en kijkt ongeduldig naar zijn vriend die druk in gesprek is met mijn blonde vriendin. Ze hebben het vast over zijn koopwoning, of haar laatste vakantie naar Zanzibar. Ik voel me een dromer, bungelend aan de laagste trede van de maatschappelijke ladder.

Ik heb al vaak bedacht dat ik ermee zou stoppen. Dat ik het lang genoeg een kans heb gegeven. Ik heb het zelfs een keer tegen mijn agent Agnès gezegd. Ze keek me fronsend aan en sprak bemoedigende woorden. “Het ligt aan deze tijd, niemand heeft werk op het moment. Je moet nog even volhouden, daarna komt het vanzelf.” Ik was weer om, zo makkelijk ging dat. Het vuur kan nog helemaal niet uit. Het brandt te hard.

Nieuwe levens

Als actrice krijg je de mogelijkheid om alle lagen van de bevolking te ontdekken. Je leert niet alleen over de achtergrond en de psychologie van je personage, je mag het zelf gaan ervaren. Hoe voelt een manager van een multinational zich, of een raketbouwer? Of een hoer? Hoe voelde Jeanne d’Arc zich? En een vrouw uit 2145? Waarom gedragen mensen zich zoals ze doen, waarom varieert hun kleding, hun lichaamshouding, hun stem? Als actrice mag je even in een nieuw leven stappen. Steeds weer opnieuw. Je leert de wereld om je heen zo beter begrijpen.

Vervolgens krijg je de kans om dit door te geven aan een publiek. Samen met een team van professionals creëer je een wereld waarin de personages tot leven komen. Het publiek kijkt ernaar, waardoor ook zij even in het leven van iemand anders mogen stappen. Ze kunnen zich identificeren met de manager, de raketbouwer en de hoer. Je geeft als actrice die verrijkende ervaring door aan de kijker. Dat vind ik zo prachtig aan acteren. Daarom maakt het me gelukkig.

Alleen gelukkig

Ik sta op de set van een studentenfilm. Onbetaald. Mijn trolley vol met mijn eigen kleding en make-up naast me. Catering verzorgd door de moeder van de regisseur, die al drie keer tijdens een take binnen is gekomen om te vragen wanneer we komen lunchen. “Maaaam! Je verpest de opnames!” “Sorry, excuses, het spijt me. Maar op het schema staat 13 uur, mijn prutje wordt koud… Komen jullie zo?” piept ze. Met een rood hoofd trekt ze voorzichtig de deur weer dicht. Een jong meisje speelt mijn dochter. Ik vraag me af hoe mijn personage op haar leeftijd al een dochter van 12 kan hebben en in een vrijstaand huis kan wonen. Doet ze beter dan ik. De jonge actrice die mijn dochter speelt is het nichtje van de gaffer en heeft nooit eerder geacteerd. “Wil je nu ook actrice worden?” hoor ik de productieleidster aan het meisje vragen. “Dan word je heel rijk en beroemd!” Ik schud mijn hoofd en kijk het meisje aan. “Alleen gelukkig. Maar misschien is dat voldoende?”

actrice

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